Thursday, 23 June 2011

A piece of my mind

I held eyeball to eyeball contact...

And said my piece.

“If you EVER park YOUR CAR outside of MY HOUSE again, you won't know what the HELL has HIT you.”

My forefinger stabbed forward repeatedly, emphasising my righteous indignation as I took the moral high ground.

“You BIG DUMB SCHMUCK! don't think I'm scared of YOU mate, I might be half your size, but I could take your lights out ANY day of the week, NO problem!

I am SICK to DEATH of having to park MY car at the other end of the STREET, just because YOU can't be ARSED to reverse YOUR piece of SCRAP back to where it SHOULD be parked., you LAZY, BONE idle, BALD-headed, POT-bellied, HUMPTY-backed, DOG-breathed, WRINKLE-faced, MAGGOT-todgered, BALL-LESS, SNIPE-nosed, KNOCK-kneed piece of CRUD.

If YOU parked YOUR rustbucket where it SHOULD be parked, I would be able to park MY car where IT should be parked, WOULDN'T I? But NO!, THAT would be too SIMPLE...WOULDN'T IT? Too EASY! Too much like using a bit of common bleedin' SENSE!.. WOULDN'T IT? NO! Because YOU have to act like the INCON-bleedin'-SIDERATE, BOULDER-bellied TOSSER that you ARE... I'VE got three buses and a TRAIN to catch before I get to MY car on a MORNING!

It would be really NICE if just for ONCE in my life I didn't need to YOMP across half the ESTATE to get to MY front DOOR When I get home from work! I mean, JEEZ! It would be nearly as quick to WALK home WOULDN'T it?

Are you GETTING all this? Is it sinking through your THICK-boned SKULL into that PATHETIC, LENTIL-sized, THREE-celled BRAIN of yours?

Now get your UGLY-mugged ARSE down them STEPS mister VERNON JARVIS, get into that clapped out, rattling box of SHRAPNEL that you call a CAR, and SHIFT IT!!!!”

There was a gentle knock on the front door...

I walked into the hallway and opened the door to find Vernon Jarvis from next door on the doorstep

“ Oh, hi mate” He said. “I've brought that DVD back that I borrowed last night. Thanks bud, much appreciated. Oh drat! I've parked the car a bit too far forward again haven't I? Must be the second time this month, sorry mate, I'll nip down and move it back a couple of feet.”

“No, don't bother Vern” I told him, smiling. “It's no problem at all mate, I'm only encroaching onto next door's kerb a foot or so, and anyway, Frank doesn't mind, he doesn't even own a car.”

“See ya later mate.” I said, still smiling.

I closed the door gently, and walked back into the lounge, when I passed the mirror I couldn't quite look myself in the eye this time.

©2011 Stephen. J. Green.


  1. I think I'd just move. Not, like, after the incident. About one paragraph in I'd be packing.

  2. Apparently, practice does not make perfect.

  3. A perfectly rehearsed tongue lashing ruined by a held tongue.

    Funny Steve!

  4. @John - No need to move John, the guy is just having a rant about a small something that has been blown out of all proportion in his mind, he's never gonna actually start a war over something so trivial... or is he?

    @Tim - this is true Tim, I once heard it said that practice doesn't make perfect, but it does make permanent.

    @Harry - Thanks Harry, I'm glad you could see the humour I was aiming for, I know that this type of writing doesn't suit everyone's sense of humour.

  5. Poor guy - he doesn't get to use all the yelling he practiced. LOL Great ending.

  6. Thanks Sonia, It's probably just as well that he doesn't.

  7. Nice depiction of making moutains out of mole hills.

  8. Priceless. There's nothing like an internal rant destined never to be aired. This flash was spot on.

  9. As a fellow internal ranter, I appreciate this! I'm sure we've all been there, especially for small things...

    One minor thing, I thought at first that it was a dialogue due to closing quote marks at the end of the paragraphs in the rant part.

  10. @Lara - Haha, thanks, I think for some people this is a kind of safety valve that takes away the need to actually DO anything about an annoying situation. Because there are always consequences, aren't there?

    @Jason - I have to admit, just a teensy weensy bit of this is drawn from personal experience. :-D

    @Mazzz - Funnily enough the small things seem to affect many people far more than the things that they ought to be more concerned about, don't they? ( There's now't stranger than folk, is there?)

    Thanks for the heads up about the quotation marks, you are on the nail, it does read like a dialogue, I've sorted it now.

  11. Sometimes my best rants are reserved for the empty room. Great tale, BTW!

  12. Ha ha those argumentative conversations that go on in one's head. the things we would like to say and never do! I felt very sorry for him poor bloke, his neighbour seemed nice though, he offered to move it. I think your character has deep seated anger problems that are bubbling to get out.... A good twist to a great tale!

  13. I definitely identify with that 'tiger in the head, mouse in the mouth' feeling. I've given quite a few epic 'head rants' in my time. Like right now, trying to book tickets for the Edinburgh Book Festival... the site is so crappy when busy, I really should be kept away from the organizers. lol.

  14. @Chuck - Haha, Best place for 'em Chuck, I think just about everyone has these episodes on occasion, if we all reacted with violence instead of blowing off steam like this, then there would be more people in the prisons than on the streets.

    @Helen - Thanks Helen, it's probably a good thing that humans aren't mind readers, isn't it?
    I'll make sure this characters emotions don't outstrip his self-control. :-D

    @Stephen - Haha, I love that expression "Tiger in the head, mouse in the mouth" It says it all just perfectly.

    I hope you get the tickets sorted okay. :-)

  15. Oh I know people who rehearse these big speeches and are then all apologies when the time comes to use them. Excellent contrast between the wish and reality.

  16. I've heard somewhere that the best humor is the closest to the truth. And the truth is that we've all probably had moments like this. A great story, Steve. It gave me a good smile.

  17. @Icy - Thanks Icy, quite often there is a world of difference between intention and action isn't there?

    @Stephen - Thanks Stephen, I'm glad it gave you a smile, it's good to know that the humour worked.

  18. Great idea for a story; we've all done this at some time i'm sure. I had no idea where you were going with this, so really enjoyed the end.

  19. Thanks Justin, ranting to oneself causes much less trouble too, doesn't it? :-)