I quietly closed the cellar door and walked down the steps, it is in here somewhere... Hiding...
As I walked to the centre of the cellar, I thought I saw a small movement in the shadows...
Then...
“TINK”... The light went out...plunging me into a wall of black...
Fear surged to the surface, I held myself together just below the panic threshold...
Then I heard it...the sound of sharp claws scrabbling on the stone floor...
Skitter
I couldn't move, my whole body was frozen with terror...
Skitter
I couldn't speak, my throat constricted ...
Skitter skitter
I could barely breathe as the panic threatened to engulf me...
Skitter skitter
Sightless in the pitch black...
Skitter skitter skitter
Heart pounding... mouth dry... eyes straining futilely...
Skitter SKITTER skitter
It's getting closer... bolder...
Skitter skitter SKITTER skitter skitter
Playing with me...
Skitter skitter SKITTER SKITTER skitter skitter
There was a barely audible creak as the cellar door swung slowly open...
Skitter skitter SKITTER SKITTER SKITTER skitter skitter
blinding light in my eyes...
Skitter skitter
The voice, a welcome lifeline in this ocean of skittering nothingness...
“John? I told ya not to come down inta the cellar without a torch... didn't I tell ya that? Ya know how unreliable the lighting is down here. An' what with your darkness phobia an' all... Now, did ya get the hamster back inta his cage yet?
“No, I ain't caught him yet, but I can hear the little blighter runnin' around.”
©2011 Stephen. J. Green.
Haha ha :D I was wondering as I read this whether it was a furry four legged creature. It turned out I was right. Good story, put a huge smile on my face!
ReplyDeleteI can imagine you teasing one of your kids with this story at the bedside.
ReplyDeleteGood one! The dark can make anything scary, even if you know what you're up against.
ReplyDeleteAt least it wasn't a zombie hamster... yet.
ReplyDeleteA nice ending. Like John, I can see this being a good bedtime story. Of course, teasing or not, kids won't be able to sleep after they hear a story like this. :)
ReplyDeleteI was expecting a rat. LOL The ending is perfect for this story.
ReplyDelete@Helen – Haha, it gave me a few smiles too, I think maybe I wasn't heavy-handed enough with the misdirection in this one though.
ReplyDelete@John – I'll try it John, but I think my kids are too sharp to fall for the old “Hamster in the dark cellar” chestnut. :-D
@Eric – Thanks, I was trying to throw the reader with the thought that he was scared of what was skittering about, rather than his phobic fear of the dark (Nichtophobia??) I'm not sure how many people went for the bait, but if I raised a smile or two I feel as though it was worth the write.
@Tim – Hmmmmmm. (maybe by the next time it gets out of its cage......) :-)
@Stephen – Thanks, many of my flashes begin with the ending written first, then I work towards it, a bit like a joke with a punch line, it's a style I enjoy using too.
@Sonia – Hahaha, if the MC thought there was a rat down there, he would have just nailed the door shut. :-D
I liked how you flipped between his anxiety and the noise. Made the scene more intense. Great ending!
ReplyDeleteOh I loved this. I really thought it would be a rat, and you captured that fear really well! Naughty little hamster!
ReplyDelete@Lara - Thanks Lara, I still smile each time I read it through, I am counting this one as a success, even though I could probably have made it much more scary.
ReplyDelete@Icy - Thank you Icy, I thought this might make you smile, it's a good job it wasn't a guard-hamster though, they are much more ferocious than normal ones. :-D
Awesome! The tension built at a great pace and drew me in. I remember as a child hearing all sorts of noises in the dark. And the ending was perfect.
ReplyDeleteThanks Chuck, you have read this as I was hoping it would be read, quite often I don't put a genre onto my #fridayflashes, because I would have had to put this under "Humour" when I was hoping it would be thought of as "Horror" until the end.
ReplyDeleteHot damn, it was a hamster. Me being me, I was reading this expecting all manner of gruesome scritchyness. I liked it. 'Course hamsters don't ever want to stay in one place -- always on the move -- so he's got his work cut out catching the little so-and-so.
ReplyDeleteSt.
I like how the skitters escalate, peak when the cellar door opens toward the end, and then settle down. Thanks for a fun read.
ReplyDelete@Stephen - Hahaha! Yes, of course it was a hamster, what else would a person expect to be hiding in a pitch black cellar? :-D
ReplyDelete@Liminal fiction - Thanks, it was fun for me too. The skitters settled down again cos the little sod headed for cover when the light came on. :-D
*snorrrt!* You got me. :) That was awesome.
ReplyDeleteHaha, thanks Jen, I do hope you weren't drinking a coffee or anything at the time. :-D
ReplyDelete