FLASH FICTION:-- HORROR, SCI-FI, HUMOUR, CRIME, SLICE OF LIFE, ETC.

Friday 25 January 2013

Pies


“Another fifteen pence on the price, they're getting more expensive every week, that's cos they're getting harder to catch, I think we may be hunting them to extinction.”

John placed his beer glass back on the table and turned his head towards the next table where the voice had come from. The guy who sat there looked pretty ordinary, except for the look in his eyes that was, wild eyes, psychotic maybe? John immediately felt uncomfortable. An almost empty cider bottle was on the table in front of the man, beside a partly eaten pie resting on a paper plate.

”Err... Hunting what to extinction?” Said John, glancing at his watch and hoping that his mates would turn up earlier than arranged.

“The pies, what the hell did you think I was talking about?” The guy's voice rose aggressively. “The goddam PIES.”

“Err... Aren't the pies made in the pub kitchen?” Said John, hoping that he didn't sound confrontational.

The guy's eyes grew even more dangerous looking. “Jeez man, which planet are you on? Pies are wild, and carnivorous mostly, why the hell do you think most of them are full of meat? It's their diet. Some of them hunt chickens, others hunt cows or pigs, pigeons even, oh yeah you get the odd herbivore pie, and some pies seem to prefer fruit, some are even omnivorous, that's how we come to have meat and veg ones.”

“Err... what kind of pie have you got there?” Asked John, trying to keep it light and conversational.

“This is game pie, a particularly aggressive pie I can tell you, they feed on footballers and cricketers, Video game players, that kind of thing.”

“And err... is it tasty?” Said John, hoping that his smile looked at least half way genuine.

“Oh, it's tasty okay, just more expensive than last week, which gets me really riled up, I can tell you.”

John felt the cold tendrils of terror run down his spine as he pushed himself further backwards into his chair. “H..How do they catch the pies then?” He ventured.

“Have you heard of the Pied Piper?”

“Y.. Yes.”

“Well, he was a great pie hunter, maybe even the greatest of all time. He used to charm them by the thousand with his music, and taught other people his skills too. Nowadays it's more commercialised, beaters, nets, shotguns. The pies are adapting too, urban pies are becoming quite common, they feel safer in the city, and safer in numbers too, they gang together, hunt in packs.”

At that moment the pub door opened and to John's great relief his three mates walked in, Charlie went straight to the bar and shouted for four pints of bitter, Kevin and Pete headed for John's table.

“Thank god you guys have turned up.” Said John, already feeling better. “This feller at the next table is a complete nutter.”

There was a deafening bang as the pub door opened again, this time it slammed back against the wall, the impact almost tearing it from its hinges.

The room erupted into a cacophony of scraping chairs, overturning tables, smashing glass and screaming, as through the opening flooded hundreds of ravenous, needle-teethed pastry cases.


©2013 Stephen. J. Green.

28 comments:

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    1. Thanks Laura, it hit the right spot then. :-)

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  2. Very enjoyable absurdism. I never wanted it to make any more sense than it did early one – the rambling nature of it flowed so humorous and well.

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    1. Thanks John, I I really like writing this kind of thing, I just don't seem to get the ideas for them often enough though. :-)

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  3. Fantastic absurdism. I shudder to think how they make tomato sauce to go with the pies.
    Adam B @revhappiness

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    1. Thank you Adam, I shudder to think about that too, now that you mention it. :-)

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  4. Those pork pies with the egg in the middle? Harder to track one down in its nest, and they're extra fierce that way I can tell you. But you get more money for 'em. It's a balancing act, wait for 'em to get nice and fat, but wait too long and you've just got another mini pork pie, barely a mouthful, complete waste.

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    1. Haha!! You're on the nail with that one John, the fiercest ones are the Cuckoo egg ones, trying to keep hold of someone else's nest, they have extra long teeth too. :-)

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  5. Hahaha! This is great Steve, especially the voice. Thanks for the laughs!

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    1. Thanks Deanna, the whole idea still makes me smile. But be careful out there, just in case there's any truth in this. :-)

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  6. In Soviet Russia, pie eats YOU

    Thanks for the chuckle!

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    1. Hiya Maria, and you are welcome to the chuckles. I've heard about those Russian pies, they weigh almost two hundred pounds, and are very fast, definitely ones to avoid. :-)

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  7. The nutter wasn't so nutty! I know people around here who believe things equally absurd, and get hostile if you question them, just like that guy. The pies are hunting humans in packs, now… things are getting ugly.

    Loved this, got a great laugh out of it.

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    1. Thanks Larry. Yeah, unfortunately for John and his mates, this nutter knew what he was talking about.

      In England many people call a pork pie a "Growler" (Honestly) I'm beginning to wonder if they know something I don't. :-)

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  8. LOL well I guess they need to be carrying blow torches with them that'll heat up the pies! ^_^

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    1. heheh!! I guess them blowtorches would come in handy... once they manage to stop the pies trying to bite chunks out of them. :-)

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  9. “The goddam PIES.” !!! Hahahah, I am still giggling at the absurdity of this wonderful and madly cheerful story Steve! Thank you, brightened up my day. Though I really want a pie now... *takes shotgun"

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    1. Oh Cindy, thank you for the lovely comment, I'm so glad it brought a smile to your day. :-)

      If you're going pie hunting, I should take a machete as well as a shotgun, some of them pies have very thick crusts. :-)

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  10. A pork pie is a Growler? That's it. I now need mind bleach.

    And I'm never eating pork pies again.

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    1. Hiya darling, yes "Growler" is slang for a pork pie,(Among many other things) I first heard the expression when I was a teenager, don't hear it so much nowadays except occasionally from older generations.

      You can check it out at this wiki page:-

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Growler

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  11. See, that's why I am vegetarian and also I prefer cake. Cakes are much more docile. :P

    I have no idea what a pastry case is, but I got the idea. Eek. Guess he wasn't so nuts after all! *hides in corner*

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    1. Hiya Catherine, I think you are wise to eat cake instead, they are much less aggressive than pies, well, except for the 'Black Forest Gator' that is, they can be pretty savage. (Heheh!!)

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  12. Aw, this is wicked, but I can't help wondering how Mrs Lovatt caught HER pies...

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    1. Thanks Icy. I dunno how she caught them, it's a closely guarded secret, but I'll bet it involves a barber's cape and a cut-throat razor. :-)

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  13. LOL I guess the pie that roiled my stomach last week wasn't dead when I ate it - just sleeping! ;-)

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    1. Heheh!! Them delayed reaction pies can be more dangerous than the aggressive ones. :-)

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  14. The Pied Piper line had me laughing out loud. For some reason I pictured this as the pub at the beginning of Withnail and I.

    The best pub in my area doesn't sell pies, only terrines. And now I know why.

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    1. Haha!! I did wonder if anyone would mention the Pied Piper reference, it just seemed to fit into the story so well.

      It's not the cooked pies inside the pub that are a danger though, it's the raw ones that come bursting through the door that tend to bite. :-)

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