Friday, 9 November 2012
Please... Don't
Please... don't tell me again how much you love me.
Please... don't tell me again how you can't live without me.
Please... don't unpack my suitcase.
Please... don't start crying again.
Please... don't look at me that way.
Please... don't come any closer.
Please... Don't.
Please...
©2012 Stephen. J. Green.
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Breaking up is hard to do as the song goes!
ReplyDeleteThis is true Helen, even if you are the one that wants to leave.
DeleteLiked it!
ReplyDeleteThank you Laura, it's a bit sparse, but I didn't think expanding it would add anything.
DeleteUnpacking your suitcase? Um, that's slithering into creepy-stalker territory. Great capture of the moment.
ReplyDeleteHi Larry. Sometimes when a person is on the verge of walking out on their partner, the other will start unpacking their suitcase in the hope they will stay, although I doubt this would change their mind though.
DeleteThis sounds like it should be lyrics to a mournful break-up song!
ReplyDeleteHiya Catherine, I didn't think of it like that, but now you mention it, yes it does. :-)
DeleteLetting go is harder when the other person clings. No doubt.
ReplyDeleteHi John. I think letting go is probably very hard anyway, even when walking away from a bad relationship.
Deletedefinitely has the feel of a song about it. Sung by Beth gibbons of Portishead I think!
ReplyDeletemarc nash
I had to google Beth's music, and yes I can definitely see where you draw the parallel marc.
DeleteWell, that's a bit of a downer. ;-)
ReplyDeleteheheh!! Don't worry Tim, it's not a reflection of my state of mind, or my state of affairs either. :-)
DeleteGood to know!
DeleteThe ex sounds like a little stalker-ish. Suitcases and suicide threats . . .
ReplyDeleteHi Sonya. Break-ups do tend to bring out the extremes in people, don't they?
DeleteDon't worry I'm not going anywhere ;). And you're right never easy being on either side of a breakup.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely true Craig, it may mean the start of a new and better life for one of them, but the process of leaving would still be a difficult time..
DeleteI love when you write pieces like this one with a repetitive phrase. The emotion came through in so few words, well done.
ReplyDeleteThank you Richard, the repetition seems to work well with the very short pieces rather than longer ones.
DeleteLetting go something dear to you is always the hardest moment.
ReplyDeleteSome people will even take desperate actions to keep that life which has at the point of breakup turned into something false and only existing on the habbit.
Hiya Cindy. I think fear of being left to cope alone, and the uncertainties it brings possibly plays a large part, and adds to the desperation of the situation.
DeleteIn my mind the narrator was female, but I don't say anything about the circumstances that brought the two people to this scenario, once again I leave much to the imagination.
I'm going through something similar to the one leaving.I wish I would of had my bag unpacked.It was lovely all the same in a brokenhearted way.the simplicity helped bring out the sadness(and in a way the longing...or it may just be colored by my outlook).I enjoyed it completely, Steve, from beginning to end(and forgive me for not returning the favor a few weeks back I have been away for a bit)
ReplyDeleteHiya E.J. And thank you very much for the very kind words.
DeleteI am extremely sorry to learn that this story has similarities to your present circumstances, I sincerely hope it didn't add to your distress, and I hope that things work out good for you in the future.
There is nothing to forgive, and no favour to return, I simply left a comment on a story I felt merited it. I send my best wishes to you, both in your personal life, and for any future writing projects you undertake.
Steve.
It's amazing how scary a story can be with a few words. I was thinking of it as a "breaking up" story until the "unpack my suitcase" line came up... that's crossing a line.
ReplyDeleteThanks Katherine, it basically is a breaking up scenario, which turns a little more dangerous at the ending.
DeleteYeah, this starts out as something relatively everyday, a breakup gone wrong, and then it all gets a little dangerous. I wouldn't expect anything less from you!
ReplyDeleteThanks Icy. I think I may sometimes be a tad predictable, though not disapppointing I hope.
DeleteAlmost a haiku of hell.
ReplyDeleteI read my own gloomy tastes into it at the first, pre-comments reading.
There’s that edge – in the story alone I hope – of the violence (large or small) that may follow the addressee’s ignoring the speaker’s pleas… He (?) may become very violent very soon. It’s the sparseness and lightness of touch and form that works here for me. Sure; you can shred someone with a combine harvester – but if you do it with a vegetable mandolin you might only take a finger off, but there’s still someone left alive to hurt further.
Perhaps endlessly.
AB, thank you for the very in-depth comment, your words tell me that the story had the effect I was aiming for.
DeleteI like working on a low word count whenever possible, although some stories do seem to take on their own life and demand more.
As I quite often do, I have left much to the reader's own imagination and interpretation, and it is a real confidence boost when it pays of. :-)