Friday, 27 September 2013

A wonderful evening (Re-written)

Author's note:

Hi everyone, thank you for taking the time to visit The Twisted Quill.

Last week I posted a very short story entitled “A wonderful evening” which, although I quite liked its brevity, felt that it didn't really meet my intentions, so for this week's #fridayflash I have posted a much longer, and slightly different version of the same story, one that is closer to my original idea.
Anyone wishing to read the original post can find it here:- A wonderful evening.
Thank you for reading.
Steve Green.


They had bumped trolleys in the supermarket, as they laughingly apologised to each other he couldn't help but notice the look in her eye, a twinkle, an invitation?

A few minutes later they passed in opposite directions down the next aisle, he looked across and smiled at her, she beamed back. Yes, she was definitely interested.

By a quirk of fate their cars just happened to be parked side by side, they laughed and chatted as they were loading their shopping. He was usually so lacking in confidence around women, but there was something different about her, something that drew him in. Her smile, so open and inviting, her whole demeanour made him feel that she found him attractive, desirable. He took the plunge, shyly asking her number, and offering his own.

He called her later in the day and knew from the moment she picked up that things were looking up for him. She sounded absolutely delighted that he had phoned. They arranged a date for the following evening, she said she would host, she loved cooking, and it would be much preferable to the hustle and bustle of a restaurant. He couldn't agree more, in his opinion things were just getting better and better, he experienced a pleasurable shiver of anticipation as he fantasised about how the evening might turn out.

He dressed smartly, wore his best suit. He stood on her doorstep, awkwardly cradling flowers wine and chocolates in one arm as he reached out and nervously rang the doorbell. Any nervousness he felt quickly evaporated when she opened the door, she greeted him with a huge smile, she was positively glowing with pleasure, with excitement, with expectation.

The meal was exquisite, beautifully prepared and absolutely delicious. They chatted easily, as though they had known each other all their lives, he could never remember a time when he had felt so relaxed in female company. Her conversation was intelligent and witty, when he spoke she listened attentively, hanging on his every word. He couldn't believe this was happening for him, that he could be so lucky. Is it possible that the seed of encounter in the frozen foods aisle could blossom into romance for him tonight?

They reached out across the table, their fingers touched, intertwined. He told her how this had been such a wonderful, wonderful evening, how he just wished that this moment could last forever.

“And so it shall my dear, for you anyway.”

As she spoke a slight static surged from her fingers to his own, in less than a second it pulsed throughout his whole body, tingling and warming every muscle as it went.

He felt the first stirrings of unease trickle down his spine. He looked across the table at her, the twinkle in her eyes now looked more like a malevolent glint, her broad smile appeared sinister, a cruel twist to her lips giving her an evil look, feral almost.

The unease quickly turned into terror as he tried to unclasp his fingers from hers but found he was unable to move, his whole body seemed paralysed. For a moment embarrassment rose to the surface as the intense fear caused his bowels and bladder to void.

A strange sensation rippled through his entire body, pulsating waves ran down his arms and through his fingertips.

He could feel himself slowly growing weaker as his life energy flowed from him to her.

Her head rolled back and she moaned softly, arched her back, whimpering and spasming as if in the throes of orgasm.

As the night wore on his body gradually diminished, deflated, began to collapse in on itself.

The days and nights passed by, and still she writhed in ecstasy, taking every last available molecule he had to offer, savouring each drop of essence, until eventually his husk disintegrated into dust breaking the contact. She slumped back in her chair, spent, satiated, her breathing rapid, ragged and hoarse.

Later, her whole being awash with a deliciously warm afterglow, she hummed happily to herself as she skipped gaily about the house doing the cleaning up, disposing of any signs he had ever been there. She washed the dishes and put them to drain, threw what she could into the garbage, and buried in the cellar what was left.

What she needed now was sleep.

Several months later the first pangs of hunger roused her from slumber.

The hunger grew stronger as she showered, dressed and applied her make up.

She checked herself critically in the full length mirror, yes, perfect. Casual clothes just bordering on sexy, heels not too high but enough to accentuate the curve of her calf, not too much lipstick or eye-liner. She let her gaze rove the length of her reflection, taking in her beautiful features, her mane of honey blonde hair, the swell of her breasts, trimness of waist, and the curve of her buttocks, not bad at all for a creature who was almost five thousand years old, she didn't look a day over twenty five.

She allowed herself a final practice of her brightest smile, the one that radiated openness, happiness, and just a hint of invitation and the possibility of something more, pleased with the result she turned away from the mirror.

The hunger was burning hotter now, she picked up her handbag and keys and headed towards the door.

She felt ravenous.

Time to go shopping.

©2013 Stephen. J. Green


  1. Deleted comment above 'cause I spotted too many typos ;)

    Yes this longer version changes the whole story - she's a predator all right - poor chap and he thought it was love! The thing I wondered about though was did she just live to eat because after she slept for months? "Several months later the first pangs of hunger roused her from slumber." It's seems such a waste of effort if all she can do is sleep LOL

    Good story though - kept me interested right to the end. ^_^

    1. Hi Helen. Yeah, it doesn't seem much of a life, does it? I think maybe I should have given her a bit more time between preying and bedtime (chuckle!!)

      Some animals such as spiders and reptiles don't seem to do much more than eat and sleep though, so I think maybe she is related to one of those species. :-)

      I'm glad you enjoyed the re-write though, I still enjoyed writing it, though maybe it could have done with yet more detail.

  2. Huh, well the closing reads more personally sinister to me now, whereas before it felt more generally sinister. I still like that the piece travels so far from the serendipity and cuteness of the opening to that close. What were trying to add this time, Stephen?

    Just a note - I think there's a missing double space between paras 1 and 2. Blogspot does that to my posts a lot these days.

    1. Hi John, it's good that you still liked the journey, thank you.

      Basically the same post as the original, but with a bit more detail, and a more explanatory ending.

  3. This is definitely more sinister. It was easy to read the ambiguity in the shorter one as a romance. I like ambiguity though, so even though your intent is much clearer in this version I rather like the first one better.

    1. Hiya Tim, I usually prefer my shorter works too, but after posting it thought that maybe it didn't say enough, and so the re-write.

  4. Now this was what I was expecting last week! No worries, Steve, you delivered.

    1. Thanks Larry. My original idea was to write a horror ending, but after I posted last week, my wife said:- "Oooh, you've written a romance, that's not like you."
      And the ending, although as Tim commented, was ambiguous, it could definitely read as romantic, and so I wanted to see if I could give the story a more solid finish this time around.

  5. The extra touches definitely gave the work some extra dimension. Good call!

    1. Thanks Katherine, I like to produce very short pieces when I can, but I do think I over--trimmed the ending of the first writing.

  6. I liked the pace and tone of this piece, Steve. Also, I got a kick out of the way you described his incontinence.

    1. Thanks Richard. And yeah, the poor guy didn't have enough problems, I had to go and destroy his dignity too. :-)