FLASH FICTION:-- HORROR, SCI-FI, HUMOUR, CRIME, SLICE OF LIFE, ETC.

Friday 27 December 2013

Crappy New Year


Well, there was no way he was going to make that new years eve party, was there? It would probably be almost over by now, and he had been so looking forward to it too.

Barney Wilson splashed his way through the ankle deep liquid to a pile of semi-solid sludge, he sat down and pondered his next move.

He wasn't in any immediate danger, the creature's stomach acid wasn't strong enough to eat through his suit, at least not for months, and he was hoping to be out of here just a smidgen before that happened.

He glanced around, his helmet light picking out the glistening contours of the organic chamber. High above his head was the opening of the slimy tube he had slid down after being swallowed, no chance of reaching that, and probably no way past the oesophagus even if he could.

His light illuminated another fleshy opening, just out of reach on the curve of the stomach wall.

Several minutes later and Wilson had managed to cobble together a crude ramp by piling various coloured lumps of half-digested vegetation, decomposing animal carcases, bits of bones, hooves, and god only knew what else. He scrambled up the slithery slope and pulled his way head first into the slippery tube.

Wilson squidged and squelched his way along the tunnel, through many twists and turns, his helmet light barely piercing the gloom as he part swam, part crawled through the semi-liquid contents, all the while accompanied by the gurgling sounds of intestinal music.

Suddenly the tunnel lurched violently, several times. Wilson was slung about this way and that, the panic welled up in him causing his own bowels to void.

“Great! At least before I couldn't smell what I was swimming through.” He thought to himself. “If there's one thing worse than a fart in a spacesuit...”

Wilson fought back the urge to vomit, and began crawling forward again.

The tunnel contracted and relaxed increasingly rapidly, and Wilson felt himself starting to move forward. Faster and faster he was carried along, gaining momentum all the while.

The light was almost blinding as he was ejected out into the daylight, from several metres up he flew downwards like a bullet towards an enormous pile of brown coloured dung, the lights went out again as he landed head first, projected up to his thighs into the soft mess. Small tremors shuddered through his legs as more of the squelchy stuff splatted onto his calves and the soles of his boots, burying his body completely.

Eventually Wilson managed to claw his way out of the filth, cleared his visor, and looked around him.

His ship was still there, and in the distance the lumbering form of the leviaslurp as it headed towards the tree line, and it's natural habitat. What the hell had the gormless animal been doing out here on the plain in the first place?

In Wilson's experience bad things usually came in threes. When a meteor storm had headed his way he had been forced to make an emergency landing on this ball, taking some damage in the process. He had climbed out of his ship to assess the damage only to be swallowed by a toothless, hairless, brainless, six hundred ton herbivore that was too stupid to tell the difference between meat and plant, and the third baddie, having his spacesuit covered in shit, both outside and inside. It could only go uphill from here.

Unfortunately for Wilson, fate decided that the swallowing and the crapping were both part of the same baddie, number two. With a roar of engines, a myriad of flashing orange lights, and a swirling of dust, baddie number three landed in the form of a brightly painted, red and yellow towship, her side emblazoned with the words...

I.T.C. - INTERGALACTIC TOW Co – YOUR PRIDE AND JOY IS OURS

Wilson walked over to greet the rather large, booted and suited guy who climbed out of the towship.

“Boy, am I glad to see you...” He began.

“Save your breath mister, and don't come any closer either.” Said the ITC guy, wrinkling his nose as he took in Wilson's disgusting suit decorations.

“Look mate, I need a little help here...” Spluttered Wilson.

“Can't you read?” Said the ITC man, and he pointed his finger at a barely visible speck in the distance.

Wilson switched on his visor zoom scope, about three hundred yards away, sticking out of the scrubby landscape was a signpost. Wilson fine tuned the focus and the blurred sign became readable.

“TOW ZONE – DO NOT PARK HERE AT ANY TIME – EVER”

“Yeah but...” Began Wilson.

The guy just slammed a ticket into Wilson's gloved palm. “Look mate, I'm just doing my job, okay? Seven hundred credits for the vehicle seizure, plus eighty credits per day storage, the sooner you pay up the sooner you get your vehicle back, and the less it costs.”

The ITC man coupled up the grapple beams then began climbing back into his towship.

Just before he slammed the hatch shut the ITC man hesitated, then said “Oh, and err... Happy new year.”

Wilson watched as the towship fired its thrusters, then headed skywards in a graceful arc taking his own vehicle along with it. There was a bluish flash as the driver punched into FTL drive, and both ships disappeared from view.

Wilson sat down on a nearby rock, and wondered what the chances were of flagging down a cruising Stellarcab in this neighbourhood.


©2013 Stephen. J. Green.

•。★  ☾ °☆  . * ● ¸ .   ★ ° ☆¸.✶*¨`* •.¸¸❤¸¸.•*¨*• ¸.¸.☆¨¯`♥´¸¸.☆¨¯`♥´ ¸¸.☆¨¯` •*¨`*•. ☆ .•*¨`*•. ☆‿↗⁀↘‿↗⁀☆‿↗⁀↘‿↗⁀☆ 。☆‿↗⁀↘‿↗⁀☆‿↗⁀↘‿↗⁀☆ 。 •。★  ☾ °☆  . * ● ¸ .   ★ ° ☆¸.✶*¨`*

Happy new year everyone, and best wishes for you all for 2014

Steve.

•。★  ☾ °☆  . * ● ¸ .   ★ ° ☆¸.✶*¨`* •.¸¸❤¸¸.•*¨*• ¸.¸.☆¨¯`♥´¸¸.☆¨¯`♥´ ¸¸.☆¨¯` •*¨`*•. ☆ .•*¨`*•. ☆‿↗⁀↘‿↗⁀☆‿↗⁀↘‿↗⁀☆ 。☆‿↗⁀↘‿↗⁀☆‿↗⁀↘‿↗⁀☆ 。 •。★  ☾ °☆  . * ● ¸ .   ★ ° ☆¸.✶*¨`*

22 comments:

  1. Wonderfully Douglas Adams-esque. Hell is bureaucracy on wheels with giant stupid herbivores wandering around in it.

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    1. Thanks Katherine. All Wilson needs now is for a paranoid android named Marvin to turn up. :-)

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  2. Great story! Love the dude at the proclaiming to just doing his job, haven't we all run into someone like that. Nice!

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    1. Thanks Claudia. And yes, when you are already having a bad day fate sometimes gives it a helping hand by sending some officious jobsworth to drag it down even further. :-)

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  3. Superb, if gross, imagery here Steve. Very fun story!

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    1. Thanks Deanna. Glad it gave you a chuckle, and I hope you weren't eating when you read it. :-)

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  4. Agree with Katherine's comment -- I think this might be a missing chapter in the Hitchhiker's Guide. :-) Fun story (though I feel bad for the guy)!

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    1. Thanks Elizabeth, glad that the humour worked for you. :-)
      I'm sure someone will come along eventually and rescue Wilson, at least he won't have a new year hangover to deal with. :-)

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  5. Sucks to be Wilson. Though I've had similar days in a metaphorical sense, days when the bad luck seems to be meted out in unfair portions.

    Happy New Year, my friend.

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    1. Hiya Stephen, it's good to hear from you.

      I think we all get those days occasionally, don't we? The ones where things just seem to go faster and faster downhill, gotta admit though, I've never been unlucky enough to be swallowed by a leviaslurp. :-)

      Happy New Year Stephen, and my best wishes to you and your family for 2014. :-)

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  6. I figured when his original complaint was just not making the New Years party that he was in for a lot worse before the end. Fun work, Stephen!

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    1. Thanks John, glad you appreciate the humour. I just had to give him a little bit more to deal with, didn't I? :-)

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  7. I bet that never happen to Han Solo!

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    1. Oh Icy, this comment did make me smile, thank you. :-)

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  8. Sums up my going to a Christmas party attempt... minus you know space and monster and all. But the atmosphere = right in the spot. I feel for Wilson. Another piece perhaps, The unlucky hitchiker's guide :-) ?

    Very fun read Steve!

    Happy holidays and best wishes for the new year!

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    1. Hi Cindy, glad that it gave you a giggle or two. :-)

      Missing a party, for whatever reason, can be a real bummer, can't it?

      I hadn't planned to add anything to this, but there is plenty of scope left for more mishaps, mayhem, and bad luck on Wilson's behalf, isn't there? I may have some fun at his expense at some point in the future. :-)

      Happy new year Cindy, I hope 2014 is a really good year for you. :-)

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  9. I've often joked about being ankle-deep (headfirst) in the $#!+. Looks like poor Wilson actually ended up there! This was a great laugh, and I do hope you'll share his future mishaps with us.

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    1. Haha!! Thanks Larry, glad it tickled your funny bone, I do hope it never happens to you though.
      Poor Wilson was in it up to his eyeballs on the inside of his suit too, yeeuuuch!!

      This certainly could stand some more episodes, so I'll have to see if my muse comes up with any ideas.

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  10. Very interesting indeed lol. The "subtle" subtext is that all traffic wardens are arseholes right? :).

    A very nice read that had a nice humourous turn half way through that you could almost smell lol.

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    1. Thanks Casey. And yes, the whole tale just "reeks" of subtlety, doesn't it? :-)

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  11. LOL Funny. A ticket really was the perfect ending.

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    1. Thanks Sonia. Probably not the perfect ending from Wilson's point of view though. :-)

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