FLASH FICTION:-- HORROR, SCI-FI, HUMOUR, CRIME, SLICE OF LIFE, ETC.

Friday, 29 November 2013

Cold caller


I was engrossed in the book, and the knock on the door startled me slightly, with a sigh I placed the book on the chair arm and walked out into the hallway. This had better be good news, I don't have much free time on my hands to relax, and certainly don't appreciate unwelcome visitors eating into the little that I have.

I opened the door a few inches and a highly-polished brogue followed it in and wedged itself firmly into the gap. I opened the door further to be greeted by a smart business suit, complete with brief case, topped off with a youthful face sporting the broadest, toothiest smiling mouth I have ever seen.

“Good morning sir, the sunshine of fortune has beamed brightly down on you today. You are one of the very few lucky people to be given the chance of taking up an offer that is so unbelievably good that only someone more stupid than the most stupid person in the world would even remotely begin to have the merest inkling of the train of thought that would make them even under the most unlikeliest of circumstances actually start to consider the action of refusal. This offer is so amazingly UN-refuseable that I would have signed the papers for you myself rather than disturb your morning, knowing with absolute conviction that I would be brightening your life a thousand-fold by my action, but then you would have had to forgo the pleasure, the delight, the absolute ecstasy of signing your own name to this truly, once in a lifetime, astoundingly unbelievable offer. I won't be giving you any warranties or money back guarantees or promises of value for money because they aren't necessary, I know this is hard to believe, but this offer comes with absolutely no cash layout on your behalf, no money down, nothing, no payment, absolutely none. This product is genuinely, truly, unbelievably, something for nothing. Yes sir, hand on heart, I tell you with utter confidence and by all that is dear to me that this product is absolutely, completely, utterly, one hundred percent FREE!”

“What are you selling?” I asked him.

The smile faltered, he sighed, re-pasted the smile, then started again from the top.

“Good morning sir, the sunshine of fortune has beamed brightly down on you today. You are one of the very few lucky people to be given the chance of ...”

I slammed the door shut, walked back into the lounge, sat back down in the chair, picked up my book and continued reading.

One disturbance in my day is enough, I'm not answering the door again today. If the sales guy wants the front half of his brogue back, along with the squidgy bits inside, he'd better wait until tomorrow before he knocks on my door asking for them, or the term cold caller may take on a whole new meaning for him.


©2013 Stephen. J. Green.


18 comments:

  1. LOL I know how he feels! Funny!

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  2. I could hear that deep announcer-like voice so clearly Steve. Great fun!

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    1. Thanks Deanna, glad you enjoyed it. :-)

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  3. Cute story. Don't send him to my door either! ;-)

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    1. Thanks Tim. I think the guy may be taking a bit of time off work, what with the surgery, and learning how to walk again on one and a half feet. :-)

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  4. It's true. It's safer to rely on a call bank.

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    1. Heheh! Yeah, it's difficult to get ones foot caught in a door over a telephone line. :-)

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  5. I refuse to answer the door to people like that...

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    1. Me too Icy, this is one of those times when a little spy hole would have come in handy. :-)

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  6. Makes me wonder what he was offering. I'd imagine he would launch into something about God and being saved, but that's just my guess lol.

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    1. Hi Casey, and thank you for stopping by.

      whatever he was offering according to him it was absolutely free, I've heard that one a time or too as well. :-)

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  7. What kind of door does this guy have and where can I get one?

    Really nice set-up and delivery!

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    1. Thanks Katherine.

      I'm not sure where you would buy a door like that, maybe try Guillotines'R'Us? :-)

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