Authors note:
I feel I must warn you in advance that this flash may evoke unpleasant mental images.
If you are squeamish, easily disgusted, or easily offended then please stop reading NOW!
Steve Green.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Still reading?... Okay, but remember, you were warned.
SEXY THING:
“You have to stop forcing me to have sex.”
“Why? Don't you enjoy it?”
“Oh yeah, I enjoy it, but post-ejaculation escape is getting harder these days. I'm not getting any younger you know, and I'm losing too many legs to these monstrous females.”
“How many legs did you start out with?”
“Eighteen, and now I'm down to eleven, which wouldn't be too bad if they were a bit even-sided, but nine on one side and two on the other doesn't give a guy a sporting chance when trying to escape a hungry, post coital female fifteen times his size. If things continue in the same trend I only have two more romps, then all I'll be able to do is run round in circles, well, until my current playmate driven by her orgasm-induced appetite manages to grab hold of me that is.”
“You volunteered for the re-population programme. You signed the form. You should have read the small print, took more notice of the disclaimer. The future of the Polypod race depends on the success of this programme. Now stop wasting time, get in there and give it your all.”
“Okay, but just hang on a minute while I defecate and smear it all over myself.”
“Why would you want to do a disgusting thing like that?”
“I believe it may increase my chances of survival.”
“How?”
“Well, if I'm not quick enough to make it out of there this time, she just might decide to spit me out because I don't taste too good.”
©2012 Stephen. J. Green.
Ha ha I guess a fella's gotta do what it takes to survive eh! Very amusing writing Steve! ^__^
ReplyDeleteHaha! Thanks helen. Sometimes the fight for survival can be a dirty business. (Groan)
DeleteI laughed out loud at the closing line! Good one!
ReplyDeleteThanks Larry, it seems we share the same (warped?) sense of humour, along with many other readers too. :-)
DeleteI didn't find it unpleasant. The many legs started me off on a good foot - amusingly ridiculous!
ReplyDeleteThanks John, I take "amusingly ridiculous" as a big compliment. :-)
DeleteEwwwwwwwww! Well, I was warned... :D
ReplyDeleteHiya Catherine, I do hope you weren't eating when you read it. :-)
DeleteBwahahahaha! This is hilarious Steve - crickets? Praying mantis? In any case, great writing!
ReplyDeleteThanks Deanna, if you think somewhere on the lines of a centipede/ humanoid cross-breed, after several million years of evolution, then you may be on the right lines... or maybe not... :-)
DeleteHaha Steve, the disclaimer only made me want to read it even more. Wasn't disappointed. Just imagine if the human mating ritual was as hazardous! Although it can be in many other ways.
ReplyDeleteVery clever :).
Thanks Craig, that's the thing with a warning, it can also double as a grabber too, can't it?
DeleteI think I see a market for a Polypod Prosthesis Program.
ReplyDeleteHiya Tim, sorry to tell you mate, but I already own the patent. :-)
DeleteIf you need help with advertising, I have some experience. I once knew a woman who cost me an arm and a leg....
DeleteHahahahahaha!! Oh Tim, I think it would be a great joint-venture, I don't know how successful the business would be, but I bet we'd have a hell of a lot of fun. :-)
DeleteEWWWWW!
ReplyDeleteYou never fail to amaze me, sir!
Thanks Icy, I hope it didn't gross you out too much. :-)
DeleteSometimes even I am amazed at the places my over-active imagination takes me to. :-)
Love it! A Boy and His Dog meets Green Pornography. I could picture Isabella Rossellini making costume notes on the whole thing. Have you seen her praying mantis?
ReplyDeleteHaha! Thanks Katherine.
DeleteI had to google Isabella Rossellini and her praying mantis, it certainly is artistic, and a bit surreal.
He clearly needs to wear protection... And what's a limb or two, or seven, given in the line of duty?
ReplyDeleteSurvival of the fittest, or should that be: survival of the shi... ;)
(sorry...)
Hi John. Well he WAS wearing protection... sort of... (Chuckle)
DeleteSurvival of the shi..... ? Hahahaha! Now why on earth didn't I think of that line?
I'm rooting for him to survive the arduous programme he's enrolled in. This guy made me laugh and that's always a winner. Enjoyed this, Steve. But instead of prosthetics, perhaps he should fit some hooks or crampons where the missing limbs used to be to help with the escape and ensure he's less appetising...?
ReplyDeleteHi Kath, and thank you.
DeleteSome good ideas you have there, but I think maybe the hooks would attach him to her instead of the opposite, I was thinking maybe a powerful pogo stick for each missing leg, it might not help him get away, but he would be bouncing around so much it would be a hell of a job to catch him. :-)
Ha ha, I loved it. A little gross, sure, but hysterically funny and very creative.
ReplyDeleteHi Richard, and thanks. I am delighted that like yourself, readers have found the humour in this, I was a little afraid that some may think it a bit too gross, even though there is no swearing or explicit detail in the story.
Delete