New years eve. 23:02
Less than an hour now, man.
I'm going clean at midnight. I've been smoking the stuff for so long now man, it's like.. err..addled my brain... I think.... Maybe... Maybe not... I'm not sure... I can't seem to think straight any... y'know... like... err... any more.
I finished rolling the joint and fired it up. Puffed furiously on it, smoked as fast as I could, I wanted to get as much inside me before midnight as possible, one final splurge.
I'm not giving it up for y'know for like health reasons or nothin' like that, man, everyone knows that a joint a day is medicinal, y'know... don't they man? So my dozen or so a day must have turned me into a super healthy untapped well of sprints, push-ups and star jumps, an' other y'know, like athletic stuff. And god knows, all the relaxing I do must be beneficial too, man.
They say it's addictive, oh man that's such a load of cobblers, I smoke it all the time man, so I should know.. like... y'know... know what I'm talking about.
23:14
I stubbed the roach out in the ashtray, grabbed the makings and started working on another.
Y'know, man... I've heard people say that it can cause y'know like.. err... delusions an' paranoia. That's bull, man... Total bull! And when I get to be king of Europe the first thing I'm gonna do is bring out a law making rumours like that illegal.
An' paranoia, I'm gonna make that illegal too, well, I will if nobody manages to get to me first, cos kings have... err... y'know... enemies, lots of enemies. I think so long as I sleep with my head under the covers I should be okay though, I mean... if they can't see me they can't get to me, can they? They can't... can they?
23:33
Stub. Grab. Roll. Light.
Yeah, I feel good, man. I can't really see my health improvin' at all when I go clean. My mate Jethro says that as long as the blood I err... y'know... err... vomit up every morning ain't coagulated then I have nothing to worry 'bout, an' he knows... err... y'know... err... knows what he's talking about, man... he's been using the stuff for years too.
23:48
Stub. Grab. Roll. Light.
The last one, yeah, definitely the last one, man. Jethro won't half be surprised when I errr... when I err... tell him I'm going clean. He won't understand of course. Well, what is there to understand about it, man? Nothing, that's what. I think... or maybe something. I'm not sure.
00:00
I grabbed my stash and went into the bathroom, took a final drag from the joint then threw it into the pan, as I exhaled I upended the polythene bag and poured the contents from that into the pan too.
With a feeling of supreme confidence and superiority I pulled the chain and flushed the weed out of my life.
00:05
I can already feel the new me coursing through my veins, I feel on top of the err... on errr... top of the world, man.
00:13
All this new me coursing through my veins is making me kinda jumpy, y'know man... like... err... edgy.
What was that noise? Why am I itching all over like this? Why do I feel so restless?
I picked up the phone and punched the numbers.
The phone rang, and rang, what the hell was he doing that was taking him so long to pick up? Friends are supposed to be there for each other aren't they?
Aaaah... At last!
“Jethro? Hiya man, what're ya up to? ... Uh? Oh... sorry man, tell Babs I'm sorry too. Look I need you to come over... Yeah, like... err.. now man, I'm having some kind of panic attack and I can't face it on my own, I need you here with me man.... And Jethro?... Bring your stash with you man, I seem to have run out.”
What the... err... what the... err... hell, next year man... next year I'm definitely gonna go clean man.
©2011 Stephen. J. Green.
Happy New Year everyone.
In my experience, any one appointed as "the last one" never is, unless it's one already behind you.
ReplyDeleteI agree with John, the last one always seems to be proceeded by another.
ReplyDeleteGreat story though :). Got the character just right.
lol The last one is never actually the last one. Great character.
ReplyDeleteSad thing is, I know someone who actually talks like that!
ReplyDeleteYou do a great job of capturing the contradictions in this character and it makes each last one fun to read.
ReplyDeleteAh yes, I believe I've known that fella. This was a pretty great rendition of that running line of thought.
ReplyDeleteFunny, the ones I've known who've quit that and other things rarely say they're going to quit, they just seem to stop doing it.
Thanks much for sharing this
Ah, man, I mean, you know, I, um... I enjoyed this, the guy, you know the character, was good, I mean, he felt real, you know, and, um, oh, I've completely lost my train of thought now, I was totally going to say something, um, what were we talking about?
ReplyDeleteHave, like, a totally awesome new year, man. ;)
Awesome, Man. Great characterisation and a timely tale.
ReplyDeleteThis is a really sad story. I mean the character is kind of funny but ultimately tragic. Or maybe I'm just getting old...
ReplyDeleteYou had the voice down pat on this, Steve. The lingo, the denial, the self-centered behavior, it was all there. Well done.
ReplyDeleteYou captured the character's voice just perfectly. The humour in the story made me laugh even though there was the underlying sadness of an addict.
ReplyDeletePS" I never made any New Year's resolutions, that way when I don't keep 'em I won't feel a failure LOL ^__^
Happy New Year to the Steve.
Thanks man for a cool gig.. Laugh out loud funny.. It's cheech and Chong revisited.. Don't you just love the word "roach", like there's a little cockroach in the joint to freak out the smoker.. I once broke my NY resolution "not to have sex for a month.." Don't ask me why... but sadly, that lasted over eight..so your resolution record remains promiscus intactus (so to speak)..
ReplyDeleteWishing you a happy, healthy, highly creative and successful NY 2012!
@John Wiswell – Haha, yeah. Well, as the man said... “What the... err... what the... err... hell, next year man...”
ReplyDelete@Craig – Thanks. Willpower ain't what it used to be, is it? :)
@Sonia – The thing with New Year resolutions is that when we make them, we really are so positive about them, and actually look forward to implementing them, the problems usually arise when we actually have to stick to them. :)
@icy – Yeah, when I was younger it seemed to be almost compulsory for many people. :)
@Aidan – Thanks, I wanted to post humour for this New Year, as opposed to my apocalyptic one last year, and I actually started with the title and worked from there. :)
@John Ross Barnes – Thank you. I think in reality it is easier to quit something quietly, because if you tell everyone, they seem to hover like vultures just waiting for you to fail. :)
@John Xero – Like.. err... I uh... y'know... like err... know.. what yer... err y'know... mean man.
I hope you manage to re-find your train of thought for next flash-day.
And I wish you a totally awesome 2012 too, John. :)
@Debs – Thank you very much for the very kind words, man... I mean.. err..ma'am.. err... well yknow what I err mean. :-)
@Peter – No, you are right, it is intended to be humourous, but the character himself is probably too spaced to actually know if he's happy or not.
@Stephen – Thanks, I wasn't really 100% sure if the character would work or not, as it all relies on the readers' internal voice.
@Helen – Thank you, as I replied to Stephen, I wasn't sure if it would work, but it seems to have been better received that I could have hoped for.
As for breaking the resolutions, I think many people feel a nice sense of relief rather than failure, because it means they can stop denying themselves and get right back to what they used to be. :)
Happy new year to you too Helen. :)
@Tom – Thanks, I'm glad that you found it comical. I've never heard of THAT particular New year resolution before. (Chuckle)
Happy New year to you Tom.
I hope all of you enjoyed a really happy Christmas, and wish you all the very best for 2012.
Next year. Great voice and tone. Your rocked it man.
ReplyDeleteThanks Lara. Yeah, err.. next... err... yeah, next year man...
ReplyDelete