Friday, 2 December 2011

Desert fare

I watched them from the scrub line at the top of the desert ridge. The long black robes and pointed hats stood out sharply in silhouette as they danced around the high flames of the fire.

I watched as they discarded their clothes and continued to hop, pirouette, and gyrate around the flames. The pitch of their voices rising and falling, chanting.

I watched as the coven joined hands, completing the circle of sisterhood.

I watched as the circling ceased, and the coven stood and swayed, deep in entrancement.

Then I made my move.

I set off at a sprint, raising the axe high above my head as my feet pounded the soft sand.

The coven, alerted by the rapid footfalls sprang to motion and scattered in alarm, I splintered the skull of the nearest one, as I wrenched the axe free she fell face first onto the scorching fire. I immediately looked for a second target.

After several minutes of futilely chasing flitting shadows I gave up, I had lost the element of surprise, and these witches of the sand were nimble and agile. No matter, one would be enough.

Returning to the fire I dragged the by now well burnt body out of the flames. After leaving her to cool for several minutes I ripped one leg off and took a huge mouthful of meat from the thigh.


I had eaten witchmeat from just about everywhere at some time in my life.

Juicy casserole made from the sinuous tree witches who lived in the eastern forests. They were a bit tough, but made a succulent meal if cooked slowly on a low light, and with plenty of fresh vegetables.

The northern ice witches from the glacial slopes, roasted, then served covered in melted butter with side salad, followed by ice cream and syrup.

The west coast sea witches were a bit salty, and had to be marinated in sauce for a few days first, then mixed with plenty of peppers and spices and curried overnight, served with naan bread and hummus... Mmmmm!

But sitting by a roaring fire gazing up at the star-filled desert night sky, nothing hits the spot quite like a hot toasted sand witch.

©2011 Stephen. J. Green.


  1. And here I thought he was just a peeping tom. I hope they give him indigestion!

  2. I have a recipe for shepherds pie, but it's such a chore to chop the shepherds into tiny enough pieces.

  3. right I had no idea where this was going until you pulled me right back in with a delicious pun. Ham on rye to you Sir!

    marc nash

  4. Dad, I loved this! I love the punchline!

  5. A double twist, served fresh with a dash of humour. Very nice.

  6. @John – Dunno what his name is, but I'm sure I saw a tube of Rennies sticking out of his pocket, so your probably gonna be hoping in vain. :-)

    @Tim – We have a massive mincing machine in the garage, so chopping them up is easy, it's catching the sodding shepherds that's the hard bit. :-)

    @Marc – Thank you very much, I feel happy as bangers'n'mash with this flash. :-)

    @Louise – Thanks Darling, I've been meaning to work that line into a flash for a while now, I've just been waiting for the right idea to serve it with. :-)

    @Peter – Thank you, I do like to add a touch of humour if possible. :-)

  7. Bahahahaha! So great to have such well-told humor among all the tear-jerkers at this time of year. Very well done Steve!

  8. LOL I thought he was just watching them!!

  9. Ouch. Killer pun. I like this world of witches that haunt places and are eaten.

  10. Mmmmm, you’re making me feel hungry. Are these witches beautiful or ugly though? You didn’t mention it.

  11. @Deanna – Thank you, it really is nice to feel so appreciated. :-)

    @Sonia – Heheh, I think most men would have forgotten they were hungry, what with the view an' all. :-)

    @Aidan – Haha, me too. I'm not so sure the witches would share our views about the eaten bit though. :-)

    @Chris – Go and grab a sandwitch. (Chuckle)

    Witches come in all ages, shapes, sizes and colours, but in this particular coven all of the witches are unbelievably stunningly beautiful. (Until they go on the fire, that is) :-)

  12. OUCH!!!! LOL

    Best #FridayFlash laugh this week!

    I was thinking maybe he had a vengeance motive or was carrying out some kind of personal war… but no, he was just hungry! But can't the witches fight back somehow? Turn him into a side of bacon?

  13. Haha that last line killed me! I was sitting here thinking thank god I've just finished eating lunch - then I get to the punch line, you have put a big smile on my face when I was feeling very low. So thank you!

  14. @FAR - Well, he did have an axe to grind. (Groan)
    This witch-eater is too canny to get spellified, his surprise attack doesn't give them chance to grab their magic wands from their pile of clothes.

    @Helen - You are so very welcome, being told that I have brought a smile to someone, and lightened their day a little makes this worthwhile. I hope your day gets better and better.

  15. I totally didn't see that last line coming. Great job of setting me up. I was imagining all kinds of motivations. Thanks for the laugh!

  16. You're very welcome Chuck, I'm glad that you enjoyed it. :-)

  17. Personally, I find sand witches a little too lean and gamy for my tastes. Not enough vegetation out there to fatten them up and marble the meat. But hey, everyone has their own favorites, right?

    A wicked funny story, Steve. Thanks for sharing.

  18. Oh I had to groan at that last line!!

  19. @Stephen - Thanks. The tree witch casserole would probably be more to your liking then, plenty of greenery to marble their meat in the eastern forests. :-)

    @Icy - Haha! I'll bet you weren't the only one either. :-)

  20. I knew it was coming, I was ready to groan but still couldn't help but laugh. Good one Steve! :)

  21. Hi Harry, Thanks, I'm glad that it gave you a laugh, though I'll admit it myself it is rather groanworthy isn't it? :-)

  22. I loved this. Enjoyed the bulk of the story for what it was, set in an interesting alter-world, and the punch line was excellent. I like puns, and all that build up to one, that I didn't see coming, and didn't feel cheated by, was awesome. =D

  23. Thanks John, this is another flash where I started out with the punch line, then worked on the lead-up to it.

  24. :-) The ending reminded me of some twisted version of (I Wish They All Could Be)California Girls. I like dark humour!

  25. Hi Li, and thank you. I'm a great lover of dark humour too. :-)