FLASH FICTION:-- HORROR, SCI-FI, HUMOUR, CRIME, SLICE OF LIFE, ETC.

Friday 2 May 2014

Answers


“So, how's the interrogation going Jackson, anything we can use yet?”

“No Sir. Nothing! Zilch! Zippo! De na....”

“Okay, okay, I get the idea. No success yet then. What methods have you tried?”

“Well, firstly we put him through four days of sensory deprivation, to soften him up a little. He just sat cross-legged with his eyes closed the whole time, with an annoyingly serene smile on his face.”

“Did you try wiring him up?”

“Yeah. The electric shock seemed promising at first, he moaned and writhed a lot, it took us several hours to realize he actually found it sexually stimulating.”

“What about water boarding? That always does the trick.”

“Yeah well, we poured several gallons over his face, he just slurped it up through the towel as fast as we could pour, the end result being we had to mop up several gallons of piss too.”

“Rubber hose?”

“Done it. He's a bit thick skinned, it just bounced off.”

“Awkward standing positions?”

“Done 'em. He just looked bored the whole time.”

“Threats towards his family and friends?”

“He's an orphan, and if he has any friends we don't know of them.”

“The comfy chair routine?”

“Er, no Sir, I haven't heard of that one.”

“Jackson, that was a joke, you moron.”

“Oh, uh, right Sir.”

Time was running out, we needed those answers. I opened the door to his cell and walked inside. He was sitting on the chair, hands clasped in his lap, he looked rather calm for someone in his predicament.

“Okay Bozo, you are going to start talking, now I'll start off nice and easy, where is the safe house they took our man to?”

“It's on the north side of town, in the Crawford district, number thirty seven Bempton Close, the house with the blue door.”

I stared at him in disbelief, they had been working on him for seven days and hadn't got a shred of information out of him, and here he was singing like a canary just because I asked him.

“What security is there in the house?”

“Three men armed with Glocks, two downstairs, and one in the bedroom with the prisoner. The number for the alarm system is 4906, and there is a spare back door key under the plant pot beneath the window.”

I couldn't believe how easy this was. A thought suddenly struck me, I walked back out of the cell.

“Jackson?”

“Yes Sir?”

“While you've had this guy here, have you actually asked him any questions?”

Jackson started back at me, a blank expression on his face.

“Well... errr... errr...”


©2014 Stephen. J. Green.

36 comments:

  1. LOL how funny - thanks for the laugh.

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    1. Thanks Helen, glad that it gave you a smile or two. :-)

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  2. Thus bearing out the fact that torturers get off on what they do rather than any end purpose it is supposed to yield.

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    1. I fear that all too often that may be true Marc.

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  3. Details easily missed, just another day of torturing. :)

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    1. Yeah, I think Jackson should start looking for alternative employment though. :-)

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  4. I wouldn't put this past me. I've been forgetting so much lately, and you know, it's easier not to talk to someone you're unhappy to work with.

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    1. I think Jackson would've probably got his answers without the torture, if he had bothered to actually ask the questions. :-)

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    1. Thanks Sonia, hope it brought a giggle or two to your day. :-)

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  6. Simple solutions are always easy to miss. All you gotta do is ask.
    Funny AND clever story. Makes torture methods sound kinda fun!

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    1. Thanks Cindy. I could have made the torture sessions so much more violent, but I was trying to concentrate more on the humour angle. :-)

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  7. Very cool Steve. Shows the assumptions people make without always pondering if they are true.

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    1. Thanks Casey. Yeah, I think many people take their job for granted, up to the point where they can't even see the goal any more.

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  8. Sometimes the easiest solution is the one most often overlooked. A funny piece, Steve. Thank you for the grins. I especially liked that you gave the criminal the name, Bozo. When all was said and done, we found out who the real clowns were.

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    1. Thanks Stephen, glad it gave you a grin or two.

      I think maybe Jackson should be given a new name too, how about Coco? :-)

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  9. Exactly! And double exactly for Marc's comment.

    I'd love to see this turned into a comedy sketch. It sums up so much so well...

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    1. Haha!! Yeah, I think the Monty Python team could definitely have made this one work. :-)

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  10. Ha ha! If you never ask...:)

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    1. Haha, yeah. Maybe "Intelligence" isn't the operative word in this particular "Intelligence Agency". :-)

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  11. Hehehe, I love that punchline.

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    1. Thanks Icy, glad it brought a chuckle to your weekend. :-)

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  12. Ha! That's great stuff. Like breaking down the door without first trying the knob. And I like the line about the comfy chair routine.

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    1. Thanks Richard, and yeah, that "Comfy chair routine" sounds terrifyingly painful, doesn't it? LOL.

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  13. Hah! That's great. The punchline works perfectly. :)

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    1. Hi Andrea, and welcome. Sorry for the late reply but I've been away for a few days.

      Thank you for stopping by, I hope the story gave you a chuckle or two. :-)

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  14. Brings to mind the old "never assume..." joke. I needed a smile today!

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    1. Thanks Li, I'm glad that it gave you a smile when you needed one. Just knowing that people appreciate the humour makes writing it well worth the while.:-)

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  15. Oh, me! I loved this one and I must agree with Li there, I totally thought of that bit of advice.

    I did kind of get an under-tonal feel that this was a comment on torture in general, the uselessness and the sadistic pleasure some game from it.

    Hmmm, I may just be reading too much into it, it was very enjoyable none the less.

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    1. Thanks E.J. I could have made this far more sadistic than I did, but wanted to play on the comedy side of it, I'm so glad that you and many others have appreciated the humourous side of it. :-)

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  16. How did I miss this one? It's great! I thought maybe he'd tell them everything if they asked him nicely. (ala "Jake and the Neverland Pirates," which Mason watches incessantly) But all they had to do was ask. Was he an android or something?

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    1. Hiya Larry. No, not an android, just a ridiculously honest agent. LOL.
      I think possibly he's in the wrong profession. :-)

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  17. Brilliant idea, Steve! Great dialogue gave vivid, hilarious images all the way through. Loved the nod to Python. Of course, prior to slow-wit-Jackson’s last errr, I thought Wait, this is too easy, Mr. Zen’s giving bogus info, but no, it’s all so simple: just ask.
    Miss A

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    1. Hi Miss Alister, and welcome. :)
      Thank you for the very kind words. The thing is , I post quite a lot of serious, and sometimes quite brutal stories, that I really enjoy myself when I go through a silly period and post stories like this one.

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  18. Well I'm a bit late, so sorry! But I'm glad I didn't miss this one because it is high-larious! (as my son would say).

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    1. Hi Roslyn, no worries, being late is fashionable LOL.
      Thanks for the lovely comment, I'm glad to hear that the story gave you a few giggles. :-)

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