FLASH FICTION:-- HORROR, SCI-FI, HUMOUR, CRIME, SLICE OF LIFE, ETC.

Thursday, 5 May 2011

The betrayal. (Guest post from Louise)

Following a request from ABSOLUTELY*KATE, that talented lady who resides AT THE BIJOU, my daughter LOUISE has agreed to guest post on The Twisted Quill this week.
I always enjoy my daughters writing, and I hope that you do too.
Steve Green.

* * * * *

I was delighted to be offered a guest spot on Dad's blog, and flattered that it had been requested. I'm normally a novel writer, even my short stories tend to run to a few thousand words, but I do have this little piece. It was written for an activity as part of my course work. We were given the basics (the figure, the man on the church steps and the baby crying) and had to construct a story from them. It didn't take long for my mind to turn these elements into something disturbing. I loved writing this piece, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Thank you for reading.

Louise.


THE BETRAYAL

In the quiet dawn of Midsummer's day, even the bells of the village church are silent. Tendrils of steam rise from the damp grass, and from the coat of the man laid on the church steps. A tweed cap covers his face, and his white hair has been neatly combed. At his feet, a single red rose.

A figure strides past the church wall before the silence is cracked by a baby crying. The figure pauses, listens with its head cocked a little to the side, fat fingers fluttering at its pale, thin lips. At the swollen tongue that slips out and licks at the corners of its mouth; tasting salt and the bitter copper of blood. The creature salivates, hunger blossoms in its belly and lower, a different kind of desire gnaws. Breathing heavily, it slips between the graves and approaches The Place.

The corpse on the steps is pitiful. An old man desiccated by age and cancer. His hands, clasped neatly together and holding a rosary, are little more than skin over bone. His body is as rigid as a fallen branch. Not so much laid on the steps as resting against them. The creature plucks the hat from the corpse and brings it to its nose. It inhales deeply, sucking up the aromas of sweat; of hair wax and of sickly death. Then flings it away, watches with amusement as it spins into the distance beyond the graveyard.

The face beneath is yellowish and taut with rigor. The creature grimaces. The meat will be tough, stringy. Barely worth cutting at all. It reaches out a hand to open the eyes, to gaze upon the sweetest of the delicacies offered. Dissatisfaction turns to anger. It is not rigor mortis that has stiffened this deceased, but a failure to thaw. The sacrifice is not fresh. The agreement has not been kept.

Once again the silence is broken by the infant's distress. The creature grins.

©2011 Louise Craven

Any comments or feedback would be very much appreciated.
Thank you.
Louise.

18 comments:

  1. Nice work, Louise! Following in your dad's undead footsteps, I see.

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  2. Very evocative and extremely creepy. Nice work, Louise.

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  3. Very creepy. Frozen food! I guess it goes looking for fresh.

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  4. @John My dad and I are very similar, we both have a very dark streak!

    @Rol and Sonia Creepy is good, I like to write creepy, i want to write the sort of stories that have you looking over your shoulder as you read :D

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  5. A great story Louise. As you say it has the reader looking over his shoulder, just in case.
    The idea of the sacrifice being frozen rather than fresh and the agreement being broken evoked all sorts of images and questions in my head.

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  6. The title adds a nice link to the contract not kept, and the last few lines portend of the consequence. As others have already written, this is creepy. Well done.

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  7. Oh, nasty and immediate, I like! This ticks the Flash and Horror boxes nicely. It packs a punch in a handful of words and makes the reader kinda glad not to be staying around to see what comes next. You & your Dad certainly pack some literary muscle.

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  8. What lovely comments! Thank you! I'm not sure who has the meaner streak, me or Dad.

    @Jason Sometimes it's best to walk away before the story gets really nasty, especially since a reader's imagination can conjure up far nastier images than myself.

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  9. Ooooo so creepy! Is the infant dessert I wonder? Nice job, I now want to know what this creature is.

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  10. Beautifully evocative of a summer's day and the dark side. I love the brevity and neatness of the story. Well done.

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  11. Kept me gripped all the way through and did not let me down in the end! Well done!

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  12. @Helen Certainly looks like curtains for the baby! Actually I've no idea what the creature is. Something humanlike but not quite human.

    @Deb I did consider making the day Christmas Day, but I think evil is always a shade more delicious on sunny days.

    @Harry Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it!

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  13. Creepy indeed! Very well written, full of vivid, and...well, creepy images. Great work Louise! Welcome to #fridayflash!

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  14. Hi there Louise -

    I like a dark story.

    I enjoyed the hint that there's some long-term arrangement going on here, the fact that old, very dead people are somewhat stringy, lol, and the sacrifice's failure to thaw.

    Nice feeling of something larger going on, hinted rather than told, and evocatively written.

    St.

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  15. @Deanna I'm probably not going to sign myself up to Friday Flash, I'm not really a flash writer. Though you never know, I may have a change of heart one day.

    @Stephen All my long stories seem to follow the Creepy Village With Secret theme, odd as I've never lived in a village. In this place, it really does feel like there is a larger story to be told.

    @Dad Thanks for giving me your blog for a week! Love you xxxxxxx

    Thank you all for such lovely comments.

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  16. Hi there Louise -

    I like a dark story.

    I enjoyed the hint that there's some long-term arrangement going on here, the fact that old, very dead people are somewhat stringy, lol, and the sacrifice's failure to thaw.

    Nice feeling of something larger going on, hinted rather than told, and evocatively written.

    St.

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  17. A very good short story Louise, dark and sinister, with a hint of nastier things just beneath the surface.

    Thank you to the many people who have taken the time to read this guest post, and for the many kind comments it received.

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  18. @Deanna I'm probably not going to sign myself up to Friday Flash, I'm not really a flash writer. Though you never know, I may have a change of heart one day.

    @Stephen All my long stories seem to follow the Creepy Village With Secret theme, odd as I've never lived in a village. In this place, it really does feel like there is a larger story to be told.

    @Dad Thanks for giving me your blog for a week! Love you xxxxxxx

    Thank you all for such lovely comments.

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